Josette Kahotea - Healer & Mentor
Mum, it has been 2 years! I just survived my 3rd birthday without your beautiful messages, having dinner with you or celebrating with you.
It’s been a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I feel like I’ve got it and other times I can’t stop crying. Some days I talk to you like you’re sitting right there next to me and others you feel so far away.
On a good day I can look at a place, watch a video or take part in a past time that we shared and rejoice in the connection and sweet memories, other times I can’t bare to look at a building, your face or even think of you.
It’s hard because people forget. People move on and while we heal and move forward, we never forget. Even more, the celebratory days don’t go away with you.
To those who haven’t experienced this pain
While I don’t expect that you should carry the weight of a loss so big and would never wish this pain on anybody else, I would love to see more compassion and empathy from you because one day, you will know this pain.
You will know what it is to lose one of the most important people to you and it will hurt and you will understand.
You never know what others have been through, what they are going through, so be kind and thoughtful in every interaction. It is not your fault that you didn’t know but your behaviour in general is your responsibility.
I forgive you for:
Not knowing that today would have been my mum’s birthday,
That I am celebrating Mother’s Day without my mum,
That my children asked me today who that lady is in the photo,
That today was the worst day of my life because I received a phone call that nobody should ever receive,
or
That at this exact time x years/months ago I spent my last moments with my mum without warning.
What I wont tolerate is rude ignorance and poor behaviour.
For those who are grieving
Grief is not a singular event. It’s an evolution of emotions and physical change. There are different stages that you go through, if you are open to moving through rather than staying stuck in the heaviness of individual emotions you may wade through or even drown in.
The hurt never leaves it just evolves into other versions and therefore you can experience them in a different way.
We all move on in different ways and at different speeds. It’s not for us to judge or tell someone how and when to progress through. It is for us to love and support those moving through loss in the highest and best way we can. We can relate to their journey and we know all we can do is be there for them.
I know for me, it’s about giving me a safe space to be sad when I’m sad, to talk through my emotions and have compassion for the times when maybe I’m not ready to move forward just yet.
My 10 insights for getting through the first two years:
- Allow the emotions to come and feel them before letting them pass.
- Reach out to people who love and trust you and ask for what you need.
- Be honest about how you feel, remember that kindness and compassion goes both ways.
- Remember that not everyone will understand or align with your current situation and that is ok.
- Keep your expectations in check.
- Find a way to accept and move forward (try talking, writing, get healing, whatever works for you).
- Take it one day at a time until you can allow yourself to celebrate the good memories.
- Be patient and deal with any anger or resentment that comes up (seek help if needed).
- Acknowledge yourself for each and every milestone.
- Know that you are and always will be connected to them just not in physical form.
Most of all, I urge you to grow and thrive in your loved ones honour.
Love and light.
Be Irie x
